Today I am having one of those days where my kids helped bring out the worst in me. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was pretty cranky which was a good sign it was going to be a rough morning.
After my mom and Nick left for work Calvin and I played outside with Max in the wagon. We watched the military do airlift maneuvers while i sipped on my second cup of coffee at 8AM. We were having so much fun despite my exhaustion and even made cookies as a fun treat. Some days, like today, Calvin truly knows how to get under my skin. Each little activity we would do he chose to be disobedient and as he saw my frustration build he continued to use it to his advantage.
He kept touching my ingredients with his dirty hands after I told him 3 times to go wash hands and to grab a tissue. After disobeying I had to throw out some of my ingredients. He was impatient waiting for the cookies and somehow lost his manners. Little things continued to add up and Max was simultaneously keeping me on my toes by learning to climb up on everything. Between the constant correcting of Calvin's behavior, my moodiness, and keeping Max safe I was on the verge of a breakdown.
The final straw was trying to convince Calvin to go #2 on the big potty. He has thankfully been potty trained for over 6 months now but will only go on his frog potty (we take it everywhere with us). I hate cleaning #2 out of it when he can easily go on the toilet and flush it, no mess, no gloves, no spray, etc. Well after finally convincing him to go on the toilet he had a meltdown and ended up on the frog potty. I was furious inside and used too many disposable wipes and after flushing and clogging the toilet I broke down in tears. The toilet will have to wait (sorry Nick), because for the good of my family I need a time out.
Calvin is in his room asleep now with only undies on because I had no energy or patience to dress him again for bed. Max is taking a nap too and I am here writing to all of you. My hands are shaking because I am spent. It is one of those days where I have let my own problems get in the way of my parenting and in the end I did nothing but add to heat to the fire. On these types of days the thoughts of "bad mom", "failure, "selfish", "crazy" come into my head and I feel defeated. When my kids wake I will ask them for forgiveness and give them lots of kisses and hugs. I acted like a child by letting my emotions take over me. I could have easily walked outside alone for a second to regroup or called a friend to calm me down but I didn't.
Have you ever had one of those mornings? Where no amount of coffee (reheated coffee) can make your morning start out right. Some mornings are great and some turn out awful, like today. My boys will most likely not remember how low my patience was but I will. My prayer is that I will let mornings like today remind me to daily lift up my cross and cling to Christ.